Reality Check

Have you ever cut your hair and thought to yourself "oh no," or "oh &$#(!)" or "what was I thinking?" Well that would be me right now. I chopped my hair. It used to be down slightly past my shoulders. Well, no more! I wanted a "messy-mom-do" that is easy to just throw some mousse in and go. Well it looked great when I left the salon and my stylist did a really great job. Then I went home and messed with it. And I just can't make it look like she did! Apparently, this picture was a one time event...I haven't been able to make it look that cute again.

Here is an attempt to make it cute again (getting ready for work - donning my nurse wear!) It's alright here but it still didn't feel right. I know you probably don't see anything wrong with it, but I felt it was wrong!

Now I have a huge fear of going to anyone other than my stylist. I only get my haircut in St Louis (just nearly every time I visit my family) because I only trust this one person with my hair. She is amazing and I adore her. But sometimes what we want, we get, but then we can't make it the way it looks when we leave the salon! Don't you just hate that? I got back to Texas and have been freaking out since I got here. Today, I couldn't stand it anymore and I went to Pro-cuts...AUUUUGH! I thought I was going to throw up on my way there, only for the fact that I was going to someone other than my stylist. But I was desperate. I had this gal make it slightly shorter and put a little more layers in it (to give it body due to becoming a tad shorter). I had her take about an inch off. Now it looks like that picture again,, mostly! PHHHHEWWWW!

Now why do I tell you about all this? Because the Lord just taught me a big lesson. If you read my previous blogs, you know that I have a history of some pretty serious body image issues. Well, they all came flooding back in the past week. I have been doing my workouts and trying to stay positive for those that follow my blog and for those in my Accountability group, but on the inside I was feeling awful. Feeling like a fat, ugly girl. How awful is that? No one should talk to themselves like that. I was laying in bed, talking to my husband last night, and he gave me a reality check. I said to him "I know you see me as pretty. But I see myself as fat, with big arms, big legs, a pudgy post baby tummy, big boobs that makes shirt shopping so stupid difficult, and now to add to all that, a hair style that I can't make work." I just kept on and on about how awful I felt about myself. "I don't love my body. I know what I looked like when I first got married. Or even when I was 20. I was skinny, long hair, and felt pretty then. I look into the mirror now and I see how different my body looks from back then and I don't feel pretty. At all." What is so sad about this is that I used to be the most optimistic, energetic crazy fun girl. I was confident. That's what attracted my husband. And now what am I? A pessimist. I HATE that!! My husband asked me "When you think of all the blessings God has given us: a house, a loving relationship between husband and wife, no debt and financial security, a great church, friends, a healthy baby...don't you feel joy from that? We are blessed beyond belief!" My reply "I know I should feel joy because I really am blessed beyond belief. But rather than focus on those things and allowing them to bring me joy, I dwell on my body image." I would not call that emotionally or spiritually fit, would you? Heck no! My husband than said something to me that just brings tears to my eyes as I write it. He said to me "I love your body. It is what brought our son into this world. You mean the world to me and you mean the world to your son." Ohhh, powerful! I had a reality check right then and there. If my husband loves me this much, how much more does my Father in Heaven love me? No matter what the scale says, no matter what hairstyle I have, no matter what size I wear, no matter how unhappy my body makes me feel...my Father loves me and that should bring me joy and rid me of this unhappiness. I am truly blessed in so many ways and that is what I need to focus on. I have so many more things in my life that bring me happiness so why do I let one thing bring me down so much?

So its time for another attitude adjustment. God taught me a lesson through my husbands words. And I felt I needed to share it. I could pretend that none of this ever happened and have written some perky blogpost, but the reality is, that even those that "appear strong" sometimes aren't as strong as they would like to be. I am struggling. But you know what? I am the only one that has the power to change my attitude. I am the only one that has the power to do something about this. But I can't do it without my Savior and so I am going to choose to fall facedown and give this to Him.